Bottom Surgery

This month March, I underwent sigmoid colon vaginoplasty at CANS Hospital. This post details my experience—from admission and preparation to the surgery itself and the post-operative recovery.

I was admitted in the early evening. The initial procedures included signing consent forms, providing insurance details, and undergoing tests (blood work, ECG, ultrasound, and chest X-ray). An IV cannula was placed in my hand to facilitate the process.

I was given a pre-operative drink called Pegleg—a powdered supplement mixed into a 2-litre bottle of water with a flavour sachet (I chose orange). After drinking about 60% of the mixture, I began experiencing loose motions that continued for hours, eventually subsiding to clear, watery stools until morning. The discomfort kept me awake all night, and although I wasn’t allowed water in the morning, this restriction helped me finally get some rest before the surgery.

I was moved to the operation theatre where Dr. Arjun Nagraj, the urologist at CANS Hospital, explained the procedure and the associated risks in detail. After reaffirming my consent, the anesthesiologist had a brief chat with me before I was put under anaesthesia.

The procedure performed was a sigmoid colon vaginoplasty. This technique involves using a segment of the sigmoid colon to construct a neovagina, providing a natural lining and lubrication. This method is chosen for its ability to create aesthetically pleasing and functional results, which was a crucial factor for me.

Upon waking up, I found myself in the ICU, overwhelmed by pain and unable to move. I experienced bouts of disorientation, frequently drifting in and out of consciousness due to the intense pain.

For the first 5 to 6 days, I was not allowed any water, except for extremely limited sips of distilled water (only two drops at a time). The pain persisted, and I continued to struggle with thirst and discomfort during this critical period. I spent 24 hours in the ICU before being moved to my room—a challenging transition given my inability to move and disorientation.

I had both a drain bag attached to my stomach and a urine catheter. Despite feeling the urge to urinate, I often couldn’t due to my condition, although there was significant urine output. I remained hospitalized for a total of 15 days.

As I write this, I’m now at home—about 4 to 5 days post-discharge, making it roughly 19 to 20 days since the surgery. I’m able to eat and drink normally, but I still face challenges with mobility, such as difficulty sitting, rising from a chair or bed, and even turning in bed. My gait currently resembles that of a penguin. Pain remains a constant, albeit reduced, companion, and the necessary dilation process is quite painful due to increased sensitivity. However, it is critical to prevent the wound from contracting.

I’m satisfied with the surgery overall, though I’m still awaiting the full aesthetic results. The sigmoid colon vaginoplasty has provided a significant step forward in my journey, and while recovery is ongoing, each day brings progress.

Breast Augmentation Surgery

It’s been a long time since my last post, so here’s an update on the breast augmentation surgery I had last year.

I underwent the procedure right after the RG Kar Doctor strike had ended. My surgery took place at CANS Hospital in Bangalore, where two skilled plastic surgeons, Dr. Roshan and Dr. Karthik, performed the operation. They waited for me to decide on the size I was comfortable with; I ultimately chose 500cc, which turned out to be the perfect fit for my body type—even though arriving at that decision was a challenge.

This was a complete cash procedure, costing me 1.4 Lakhs. I stayed in the hospital for about 7 to 10 days. After the surgery, I experienced immense pain, but the satisfaction of affirming my gender was overwhelmingly ecstatic—an emotion that’s hard to put into words.

I started to regain my strength after about five days. I initially struggled with dizziness and tended to stay in bed, but eventually, I adjusted by sitting up more, and the dizziness subsided. Once discharged, I returned home and immediately resumed college.

I began using a comprehension bra, which was recommended to provide a natural look and keep my breasts in place. Although it did the job, it made me sweat excessively and was a bit uncomfortable. Despite these minor issues, I was able to return to my normal routine within a month.

In the first few months, I experienced reduced sensation in my breasts—something I had anticipated due to the skin stretching from the silicone implants. Thankfully, I have gradually regained about 70% of the sensation, and my nipples have maintained full sensitivity, which is a relief. I had hoped for some growth in my nipples, but while they haven’t, the area surrounding them has developed significantly.

Currently, my size is 46D, but due to my body type, I find that I need to wear a 48C bra. I’m not too fond of the bra, so I’ve been opting for shapewear instead, which provides a similar effect and offers an aesthetically pleasing shape.

Completing 1 Year of HRT and life event updates

It’s been a while since I last shared an update about my transition, so I thought it was high time I filled you all in on what’s been happening in my life!

First off, I’m thrilled to share that I’ve been accepted into the prestigious National Law School of India University in Bangalore for the BA LLB (Hons) 5-year course. It’s a dream come true, and I’m so excited about this new chapter in my life.

In terms of my transition, I’ve just completed my first year of Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT), and I’m now in my 14th month. It’s been an incredible journey of growth and self-discovery, and I’m so grateful for the progress I’ve made.

As I’ve navigated this journey, one quote that has resonated with me is 

BODY

"If they see breasts and long hair coming, they call it woman.

If beard and whiskers they call it man.

But look, the self that hovers in between

Is neither man nor woman ..."

- Nivedita Menon, Seeing Like a Feminist 2012 

These words remind me that my identity is not confined by societal labels but is a reflection of my own truth.

With a year of HRT behind me, I’ve started planning for my surgery, which has been both exciting and a bit overwhelming. As I explored my options, I encountered some challenges, such as time constraints and bureaucratic hurdles, but I’m determined to make it work.

I’ve decided to go ahead with my top surgery—Breast Augmentation—and I was faced with the decision of choosing between Fat Grafting and Silicone Implants. After weighing the pros and cons, I’ve opted for silicone implants. But then came the tricky part: deciding on the right size. To help me figure it out, I consulted with a few plastic surgeons here in Bangalore. When I still wasn’t sure, I turned to YouTube and found the Rice Bag test, which gave me a general idea of the size I might want. Trying on implant sizers afterward really solidified my decision.

Once I made up my mind, I began the cashless pre-approval process with a non-network hospital. Unfortunately, the process is taking longer than expected, and as I write this, it’s still not complete, even though the day I planned to be admitted has arrived.

So, here I am, at the university, taking a break during class to update my blog and share my journey with you all. I can’t wait to give you my next update once I’ve fully recovered and had my follow-up appointments with the doctors.

Until then, wish me luck, and I’ll talk to you soon!

Understanding Gender Dysphoria: A Personal Journey

I was recently asked how one can determine if they have gender dysphoria. It's important to note that there is no standardized testing or evaluation for gender dysphoria at this time. The process often involves reflecting on your past experiences and feelings. Unless you specifically mention gender dysphoria, a doctor is unlikely to suggest it out of the blue. Currently, the primary criterion for diagnosis is your own narrative and self-awareness.

If you find yourself uncertain or questioning your gender identity, there are several steps you can take to explore this further:

1. Consult a Clinical Psychologist: A mental health professional can provide a safe space for you to discuss your feelings and experiences, helping you to understand your gender identity better.

2. Connect with Trans Individuals: Talking to someone who has gone through a similar journey can offer valuable insights and support. They can share their personal experiences and offer practical advice.

3. Experience Real-Life Situations: Within your comfort zone, try living as your identified gender. This could be through clothing, social interactions, or other gender expressions. This real-life experience can be very illuminating.

4. Read and Research: There is a wealth of literature about transgender experiences. Books, articles, and online resources can provide a broader understanding and help you see different perspectives on gender identity.

Ultimately, the decision about your gender identity is deeply personal and should be based on your self-discovery and research. It's a journey that requires introspection, courage, and sometimes, professional guidance. Remember, you are the one who best understands your own experiences and feelings. Trust yourself and give yourself the time and space to explore your identity fully.

I hope this helps!

All India Institute of Medical Sciences, New Delhi *FREE TREATMENT AND SURGERY FOR TRANS*

Greetings once again,

As promised in the previous post, here is the latest update from my recent visits to two prominent hospitals in Delhi, RML and AIIMS, prompted by information gleaned from various sources including YouTube, forums, and a telegram group.

My experience at RML Hospital was disappointing, starting from interactions with the ground staff to senior faculty. The lack of transparency and proper communication led me to not recommend it until improvements are made in these aspects.

Conversely, my visit to AIIMS proved informative, as I gained valuable insights from the attending doctor.

For those seeking appointments at AIIMS, it's imperative to physically visit the AIIMS New RAK OPD (Rajkumari Amrit Kaur OPD Block) in Delhi. Due to the high volume of patients, securing an appointment may require advanced planning, particularly if applying online through the government portal, where appointments open at midnight at 12 AM.

At present, only one endocrinologist specializes in treating transgender patients at AIIMS. He allocates time for five new patients every Monday, prioritizing privacy and confidentiality I cannot mention his name here. Additionally, a team of psychiatrists evaluates patients, who are then referred back to the endocrinologist with a gender dysphoria (GD) certificate to commence Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT). After one year of HRT, patients are referred back to the psychiatrist before being considered for surgery.

For new patients or those on HRT for over a year, the process unfolds as follows:

1. Consultation with the Endocrinologist: Necessary tests are conducted to determine eligibility for HRT or surgery.

2. Evaluation by Psychiatrist: Following the endocrinologist's referral, patients undergo assessment, leading to the issuance of a GD certificate if deemed suitable. This certificate facilitates the initiation of HRT by the endocrinologist or referral to the surgery department.

3-A. Commencement of HRT: Patients receive treatment from the endocrinologist and, after a year, are referred back to the psychiatrist for further assessment and certification for surgery.

3-B. Surgery: Patients recommended for surgery are directed to the AIIMS Casualty/Emergency block, where experienced surgeons perform a range of transgender-related surgeries.

It's essential to note that AIIMS does not charge consultation fees apart from the initial payment for the OPD slip appointment. Medications and consultations are provided free of charge. However, implants used during surgery and certain expensive medications/injections for HRT may incur charges which would be subsidized. Private room accommodations and other amenities may also entail additional charges.

In summary, to ensure a smooth process:

- Schedule an appointment with the Endocrinologist for a consultation on Monday.

- Be prepared to undergo evaluations by the endocrinologist and psychiatrist which will not incur any cost.

- Bring medical records and documentation if transferring from another doctor to AIIMS.

- Collaborate with the psychiatry and surgery departments as needed.

I hope this update proves helpful. Until next time!

Bangalore to Delhi and Back to Bangalore

Hey you !

It's been a while since I last posted. Recently, in May 2024, I visited New Delhi, our nation's capital. I had the chance to meet a lot of bureaucrats who are working on improving the lives of transgender individuals. I also have some medical updates to share, but I'll save those for the next post. This one is all about my meetings with the officials.

First, I stopped by the Ministry of Social Justice and Empowerment. I spoke with a senior bureaucrat there, who gave me some hope. They mentioned a few small changes, notifications, and guidelines for district officials who handle the transgender identity cards and certificates. I asked about the binary gender marker ID card, and they explained that the 2019 Act requires surgery for a binary gender marker. But in 2020, they updated the rules so that now you just need a medical certificate for gender dysphoria to apply for a binary gender certificate.

They're also planning to create a proper format for the transgender ID cards so they can be printed and laminated like regular ID cards.

When it comes to scholarships, there's still nothing decided yet. The same goes for the Garima Greh scheme. As for the Composite Medical Health Scheme, they need to talk with the Ministry of Family Health and Welfare, the Director General of Health Services, and the National Health Authority before they can implement any health policies.

Next, I visited another ministry that deals with medical affairs. They told me that medical issues are mostly handled by state governments, so the central government can't do much directly. But they are working on new policies and a health package for transgender individuals under the Ayushmann Bharat scheme. It's hard to say when this will happen, but it might be after the next elections. Meanwhile, we can keep hoping and maybe write letters to push for quicker action or some interim relief.

Unfortunately, not everything went smoothly on my trip. I had two really bad experiences. Once, near my hotel in Delhi, I was catcalled, and another time, when I was in an auto, the same thing happened. Then, when I got back to Bangalore and was waiting for an auto to take me home, an old guy kept touching his groin area and trying to call me over. I felt disgusted, angry, and concerned about such behavior. It made me reflect on the challenges people from outside Bangalore might face when they visit here.

But aside from those three incidents, everything else was good

Thanks for reading, and I'll be back soon with more updates!

Obstacles

Tonight, I find myself drowning in a sea of emotions as I confront the seemingly insurmountable obstacles on my path towards transition surgeries. It's a journey fraught with darkness, where every step forward feels like a battle against the tide of despair.

The obstacles that loom before me cast long shadows over my soul, weighing me down with their oppressive presence. There are the personal challenges, the relentless whispers of doubt and insecurity that echo in the recesses of my mind. Coping with dysphoria and the relentless onslaught of anxiety threatens to consume me, leaving me gasping for air in a sea of self-loathing constantly feeling incomplete.

And then there are the social challenges, the harsh realities of a world that refuses to see me for who I truly am. It's a world where the words of others cut like knives, slicing through the fragile veneer of my self-worth. Their unintentional comments and unintentional benifit of the doubt opportunity slights serve as painful reminders of the hurdles that stand between me and the life I long to live.

Relationships are a minefield, fraught with the constant fear of rejection and abandonment. The thought of opening up to others, only to be met with disdain or indifference, fills me with a bone-deep ache that refuses to be ignored. It's a lonely existence, surrounded by people yet feeling utterly alone in my struggle.

But amidst the darkness, there are fleeting moments of respite. A kind word from a friend, a gentle touch that speaks volumes more than words ever could. In those moments, I find a flicker of hope amidst the despair, a glimmer of light in the suffocating darkness.

So as I navigate through the treacherous waters of my surgical journey, I cling to that flicker of hope with all the strength I can muster. It may be small, barely visible against the overwhelming tide of despair, but it's enough to keep me going for another day trying to complete myself to feel myself.

STOPPING HRT

In the midst of my journey, life threw several curveballs my way, prompting me to hit pause on my Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) last August. It was a tough call, triggered by the passing of my grandmother, followed by a bout of tonsillitis that landed me in the hospital for a week. Throw in the chaos of college entrance exams, and my HRT plans took a backseat. It felt like a series of relentless challenges, but I knew I had to navigate them one step at a time.

Finally, after wrapping up my exams in December, I recommitted to my HRT journey. Those intervening months brought their own set of hurdles, including a not-so-great experience that tested my resilience. But I held my ground, and in January, I marked a significant milestone – my sixth dose of testosterone blocker which is the duration of three months. But the estrogen dosage, however, will remain consistent during this period, a strategic move as I gear up for the next phase of my journey.

In the midst of all this, there's a bright spot on the horizon. I've been accepted into a fantastic prestigious Law College, and the best part is, I don't have to move away from home. That's a huge relief, though I'm fully aware that the college experience will bring its own set of adventures and challenges. But hey, I'm up for it. There's just a few hurdle's left to clear before I can dive into this new chapter, and I'm hopeful it won't be long before I can put it behind me.

Looking forward, before the end of March 2024 holds another significant event for me – Top Surgery. It's a decision I've considered carefully, a pivotal step in aligning my physical self with my true identity. The anticipation is a mix of nerves and excitement, but deep down, I know it's the right path for me.

As I gear up for college and the transformative journey ahead, I want to acknowledge every twist and turn that has shaped my story. Each setback, each decision to forge ahead – it's all part of the tapestry of my life. Sharing this journey is not just a personal reflection but also a way to connect with others on similar paths. Here's to the coming months, filled with victories, support, and the continued pursuit of authenticity.

Feeling of writing

As the night envelops me in its shadowy embrace, I find solace in the world I create through my writing. It's a place where I can weave my own narrative, surrounded by the people I long for and cherish. While life has introduced me to wonderful souls who have become more than friends, there remains an unfillable void, a yearning for someone or something that feels out of reach.

In the tapestry of my memories, I find myself longing for those I've lost along the way. They exist now only in the echoes of cherished moments, their presence a bittersweet reminder of the fragility of life. I miss the warmth of their understanding, the comfort of their embrace, and the reassurance that their unwavering support provided.

There are moments when I wonder if I could have done things differently, if I had been braver and more outspoken about my true self in the presence of my dear mother. Perhaps, if I had opened up more to my grandmother before she passed, she would have embraced me with the love and understanding I yearned for, despite her initial reservations about my journey.

The weight of unspoken words hangs heavy in the silence, especially when it comes to the person I fell in love with. Regret tinges my thoughts as I contemplate whether a different approach, one laced with patience and understanding, could have altered our trajectory. In the stillness of the night, I find myself clinging to the fragile tendrils of hope, envisioning a future where our paths converge once more, where understanding and love intertwine in a bond that transcends all boundaries.

In these moments of vulnerability, I can only hope that my words reach him, conveying the depth of my emotions and the unspoken desire to reconcile and rebuild what we once started. It's a plea to bridge the chasm between us, to rediscover the profound connection that once bound my soul with his. As I lay my heart bare in these words, I hope and dream that somewhere, somehow, the universe will conspire to reunite us, allowing our souls to reconnect and write a story that defies the odds.

Falling in Love (One-sided)

Love has its own enigmatic ways, often leading us down a path of dreams and desires, with its unpredictable currents and tumultuous tides, only to leave us grasping at fleeting wisps of what could have been. I found myself ensnared in a similar tale, where I found myself falling, falling hard for a soul that seemed to speak the language of my own, where my heart was captivated by a love that fate deemed unattainable. Despite our shared connection, circumstances beyond our control wove a web that prevented our love from blossoming into something more.

The ache of unrequited love is an indescribable pain, a shattering of the heart that seems to echo through every fiber of one's being. As I find myself pouring these words onto the page, I can't help but wonder if he will ever stumble upon these lines. Perhaps, it's my way of reaching out, of whispering my sentiments into the universe, or maybe it's my attempt to grasp onto a sliver of hope that somehow, our paths might realign. It's the inescapable feeling of being trapped in a reverie, one that I can't seem to break free from.

The depth of emotions I've experienced has been both exhilarating and devastating. Amidst the turmoil, the well-intentioned advice from well-wishers only seems to skim the surface. "Move on," they say, as if it were a switch that could be easily flicked off. But my heart refuses to comply, entangled in a web of emotions that refuses to loosen its grip.

In the silence of the night, I find myself tracing the contours of his absence, clinging onto the slimmest thread of hope that perhaps, just perhaps, our paths might intersect once more. It's the unwavering faith in the magic of serendipity that keeps me holding on, even as the weight of uncertainty threatens to crush my spirit. I long for a connection that transcends the boundaries of romance, a bond that can withstand the trials of time. Though the weight of unreciprocated affection drapes heavy upon my soul, I find solace in the mere thought of maintaining some form of connection, even if it's just as friends. The prospect of severing ties completely feels like an impossibility, leaving a void that threatens to engulf me whole.

Through the tears and the ache, I find solace in the flicker of hope that refuses to be snuffed out. It's the faint whisper of a promise, a silent vow that love, in all its complexities, will find a way to prevail. And so, I continue to tread this delicate tightrope of emotion, with a heart that remains tethered to his, beating in silent rhythm, yearning for a future where our paths may intertwine once more. As I pen these words, tears blur the lines, each drop a testament to the profound depth of my emotions. It's in these moments of vulnerability that I find a semblance of peace, knowing that my words carry the weight of my unspoken feelings, etched into the very fabric of my being.

Reason for No New Post Yet and partial stop of HRT

Life took some unexpected turns, and my writing took a backseat. I used to write to express myself, but lately, it's been tough. Things started getting rough during my last hormonal session. That day, my grandma got really sick, and she passed away the next day because of her heart. It hit me hard, and I couldn't keep up with my meds after that. Dealing with all the emotions was a struggle.

Eventually, I managed to get back on track with my meds, but then I got sick. That meant I had to stop my hormone replacement therapy for a while. It's been a rollercoaster of emotions and challenges, but I'm slowly finding my way back. Writing has always been my refuge, and I'm hoping that sharing my story can resonate with someone going through a tough time. Life can be hard, but we can make it through

Through it all, I've learned that life doesn't always follow the script we've penned. It can throw some tough challenges our way, leaving us feeling lost and overwhelmed. As I slowly ease back into my writing, I find solace in putting my thoughts and draft once more. It's a cathartic process, allowing me to make sense of the chaos and find a glimmer of hope even in the darkest of times. 

Philosophically I've come to realise that the struggles we face are what shape us, molding us into stronger and more empathetic individuals.

So, if you're going through a rough patch, just know that it's going to end sometime. We're all in this together, navigating the unpredictable journey of life. I/we need to remember, it's okay not to be okay. Take each day as it comes, and hold on to the little moments of joy that come our way. They may seem small, but they have the power to light up even the darkest paths of our memory lane.

Counselling 3

 A significant development occurred as my grandparents embarked on a joint psychological session, a notable step forward in our shared journey. Though the specifics of their discussion remain confidential, the aftermath of this session offered me invaluable insights.

Grasping the gravity of the moment, the psychologist conveyed a vital message. A key takeaway was the reinforcement of the importance of academic pursuits. The guidance to channel my energies towards my studies resonated deeply, serving as a reminder of the holistic growth I am aiming for.

Equally heartening was the psychologist's update regarding my grandparents' evolving stance. She conveyed that they have begun to grasp the nuances of my situation and expressed a commitment to support my journey of transition. This newfound understanding holds the potential to pave the way for a more harmonious and authentic relationship.

Perhaps the most reassuring aspect of this session was the psychologist's unequivocal assurance: she affirmed that my grandparents wouldn't intrude upon my journey. This declaration alleviated my concerns about external influences for sometime, allowing me to shift my focus inward and concentrate on my personal growth.

In light of these revelations, a sense of relief envelops me. The clarity and support that have emerged from this session provide a strong foundation upon which I can continue building my future. I am reminded that while the path may be intricate and challenging, it is also brimming with opportunities for growth, acceptance, and ultimately, self-discovery.

HRT 3 months coming to an end and another month starting soon

 Embarking on my Hormone Replacement Therapy journey nearly three months ago, I find myself reflecting on the changes and revelations that have unfolded during this time.

While the physical transformations I anticipated might not be immediately evident, I've discovered a profound sense of tranquility that has emerged as a result of this therapeutic process. This newfound tranquility has brought with it a sense of acceptance and understanding, fostering a deeper connection with my inner self.

Although the metamorphosis I envisioned may not have fully materialized just yet, I recognize that transformation is a gradual and intricate journey. The path to self-discovery and self-expression is not bound by a set timeframe, but rather flourishes at its own pace.

As I navigate this evolving chapter of my life, I remain steadfast in my commitment to the path I've chosen. Every step forward, no matter how subtle, is a testament to the courage and resilience that define my journey.

In essence, while the physical shifts may take time to manifest, the mental and emotional shifts have already begun to enrich my life. With each passing day, I draw closer to a more authentic version of myself, embracing both the visible and unseen changes that are yet to come.

Insurance from Government of India (Ayushmann Bhaarat)

 Transitioning from the painful chapter I previously shared, I now shift my focus to an intriguing development known as "Ayushmann Bhaarat."

As I embarked on the journey of changing my identity documents through the District Magistrate's office, I found myself navigating a national portal. While engaging with this platform, I stumbled upon an unexpected yet relevant revelation—a connection to health insurance.

Introducing the "Ayushmann Bhaarat TG+ Composite Medical Health" scheme. Eager to delve into the details, I embarked on a quest to understand its significance and how to apply. My curiosity led me to seek information from various sources and engage with a Government Official who offered insights into this intriguing scheme.

What I discovered was both promising and bittersweet. Yes, the "Ayushmann Bhaarat TG+ Composite Medical Health" scheme does exist. It holds the potential to revolutionize access to medical care for individuals like myself. However, the disappointing caveat was that the scheme had not yet been implemented.

My pursuit for clarity spanned approximately three months, during which I navigated bureaucratic avenues and sought official guidance. While the duration of this endeavor may have tested my patience, I remained steadfast in my quest for information.

The underlying hope throughout this process was simple yet profound—my aspiration for the expeditious implementation of the "Ayushmann Bhaarat TG+ Composite Medical Health" scheme. I envisioned a future where countless individuals could benefit from the comprehensive medical facilities it promised to offer.

As I eagerly anticipate the day when this scheme becomes a tangible reality, I am reminded of the transformative impact it could wield. The prospect of accessible and inclusive medical care holds the power to reshape lives, alleviate suffering, and foster a more compassionate society.

In conclusion, while my personal journey prompted me to explore this scheme, my broader aspiration lies in witnessing its eventual realization. Let us collectively yearn for a future where such initiatives seamlessly merge with our healthcare landscape, empowering individuals to embrace their identities without the burden of inadequate medical support.

A Phobic Doctor Relative part-2

 Continuing from my previous post:

(Previously, I shared a one-sided correspondence from a phobic relative directed towards me. Now, I'm unveiling another layer of correspondence that I stumbled upon later. This exchange involved the same phobic relative, who was bent on exacerbating my mental distress and interfering with my diagnosis. Their intention was to manipulate my grandparents into doubting the validity of my situation.)

In an unexpected turn of events, I found myself entangled in a series of interactions that unraveled the lengths to which this phobic relative would go to harm my mental well-being. Their attempts to undermine my struggles were evident in the messages they shared with my grandparents. It was disheartening to witness the extent of their efforts to negate my identity and experiences.

They referenced an article, "https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5845076/," attempting to draw a link between my condition and various aspects, including gender dysphoria. However, upon careful examination, it became evident that this source held no relevance to my situation, further debunking any correlation to schizophrenia or related concerns.

One message from them stood out: "First rule out schizophrenia before undergoing permanent body transformation." Their implication was clear - they insinuated that my decision to embrace my true self and undergo gender-affirming changes was rash and ill-considered. Yet, their assertions fell flat in the face of comprehensive medical evaluations, which confirmed that my choices were grounded in a well-informed understanding of my identity.

They even went so far as to belittle my journey by stating, "He is playing and experimenting with his body." Astonishingly, their words reduced the profound process of self-discovery and acceptance to mere "play." This remark highlighted their blatant disregard for the emotional complexity that accompanies such a significant life transformation.

Their attempt to substantiate their case took the form of an enumeration of traits: "At risk - Mother-father with history of addiction, alcohol, smoking, physical abuse. After birth - Delayed speech, decreased social interaction, gadget addiction, grandeur behavior, learning issues, lack of attention or focus, body distortion, lack of self...bodily image, lack of goal-oriented behavior, lack of motivation." Their aim was clear: to amplify my alleged psychological vulnerabilities. However, this analysis crumbled upon closer scrutiny.

For instance, they used the phrase "at risk" to accentuate the influence of my parents' history, implying that I was predisposed to my challenges. But their attempt to magnify these risks only oversimplified the complex interplay of factors that contribute to an individual's development. Similarly, the mention of delayed speech and decreased social interaction overlooked the profound impact of my suppressed identity during my formative years.

Their assertions continued with accusations like "panic disorder," "lack of respect for social hierarchy order," and "lack of emotion even when mother died." These labels painted an incomplete picture of my experiences. The panic disorder I faced stemmed from the emotional turmoil caused by my dysphoria, a reality they conveniently overlooked. Their claim of "lack of respect for social hierarchy order" echoed the traditional, restrictive norms that I refuse to endorse.

The mention of my seemingly stoic reaction to my mother's passing disregarded the complex emotional journey I was navigating. Their failure to acknowledge the pain I felt at losing a confidante who promised to support my journey further exposed their lack of empathy.

They appended to their accusations by pointing out my supposed "low physical exercise" and the risk of "harming his body." However, their understanding was flawed. My detachment from my physical self was a direct result of my struggle with identity, not an indifference to my well-being. Their claim of self-harm risk failed to grasp the positive impact that hormone therapy (HRT) was having on me.

They alleged that my "attention-seeking behavior on social media" was the driving force behind my actions. This insinuation reduced my honest attempts at self-expression to mere attention-grabbing antics. They invalidated my courage in sharing my journey openly.

The culmination of their attempts was encapsulated in a comment from my grandfather: "Can you see what I see? It is a cluster of symptoms." Unfortunately, their perspective clouded their judgment. Rather than recognizing the authenticity of my experiences, they chose to label them as symptoms. Their outlook, influenced by prejudice, eroded any semblance of a balanced evaluation.

They further delved into my family history, painting my mother as a person with "high-risk behavior" and an inclination to "experiment with her body." Their portrayal was reductionist, ignoring the complex nature of personal growth and exploration. The mention of her "accidental death" and inability to "fit into society" failed to capture her essence or the broader social dynamics at play.

Ultimately, their attempt to manipulate the narrative was evident when they stated, "If you didn't tell these points, they will wrongly diagnose." Their intention was transparent: to influence my diagnosis by presenting a distorted version of events. However, the comprehensive counseling process had already covered many of these points, rendering their strategy ineffective.

In a desperate attempt to lend credibility to their stance, they shared an article, "https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0165178121005679," which discussed psychosis in transgender individuals. Yet, this citation held no relevance to my situation, further emphasizing their lack of understanding.

Their accusation of "childhood behavioral issues - anger, etc." attempted to oversimplify the complex emotional turmoil I faced as a result of grappling with my identity.

Concluding their correspondence, they highlighted my grandfather's skepticism and urged a reevaluation of my diagnosis. This ongoing effort to delegitimize my experience, merely because I came out as a girl, was a painful reminder of the LGBQTIA+ phobia that persists in certain circles.

In essence, this correspondence was a disturbing reflection of the lengths to which prejudice can distort perception and perpetuate discrimination. It's a reminder that even as societal attitudes evolve, there remains a pressing need to challenge such biases and advocate for understanding and acceptance.

A Phobic Doctor Relative

 Dealing with a relative who holds LGBQTIA+ phobic views has been an eye-opening experience for me. This encounter emerged when they learned about my identification as a girl through Instagram's recommendations. What makes this situation particularly perplexing is that the relative is involved in the medical field, specializing in neurology.

Although I have never sought medical attention from them, they initiated a series of unsolicited diagnoses. Here's a glimpse into their messages:

"I am trying to stay in peace here

I will not tolerate any nonsense of any sort

(Old Nickname) includes you"

(To tolerate me, I must be under their care/ medical care—a condition I am not in.)

"to 25 percent of patients diagnosed with schizophrenia can express symptoms of gender dysphoria throughout their lives"

(Can medical professionals outside of psychiatry offer such diagnoses?)

"First evaluate for schizhophrenia due to family history and take than thinking it is normal fashion

Some substd psychiatrist who doesnt know can blotch up somebody life"

(So, has gender dysphoria become trivial while schizophrenia remains significant? It's concerning how they labeled other doctors as sub-standard without firsthand knowledge.)

"(A person we know) was treated as schizho depression panic disorder autoimmune juvenile diabetes anti gad etcetc

It took 20 yrs for him to lead normal life

So dont rush in life

(Close Relative) had harmonal issues causing bad dreams"

(Both diagnoses they mentioned are inaccurate. One relative had a pituitary gland concern, and the other individual wasn't even treated by this phobic relative.)

"Rdocs looks at development since foetal stsge

Your parents were drug addicts n u were exposed in utero...foetal exposure has caused changes in neurotransmitter n behaviour"

(While they're right that my parents used drugs recreationally, someone using drugs doesn't imply their child will experience gender dysphoria, their reasoning is more a myth than medical theory.)

"U are prone for gadget addiction get bored etc...plz foxus on career now

(My Grandparents) are old n tired"

(Despite having been cleared by two psychiatrists of having any addiction, this relative's interference compelled me to take action to address the situation, which I'll discuss in a future post.)

"Gradiosity is also another symptom...calling urself prince neil

Thinking ur above any establishment or norms of society

(Old Nickname) plz listen to me..go slow......establish ur self and ur career first so u can survive"

(Their assertion that I'm seeking attention through grandiosity doesn't hold. I'm not defying societal norms to be contrarian; I'm simply embracing my identity. My transition is crucial for my mental well-being.)

"Lack of focus on task at hand ...getting bored easily

Lack of formation of one self identity

(Old Nickname) u can google and check....these are cluster of symptoms coz of your exposure  as a foetus to alcohol, drugs, at risk genes

Your will power and our support will help u vaby"

(Yes, there are moments when my identity crisis affects my focus, and boredom arises from a lack of external engagement. Despite any prenatal exposure to alcohol or drugs, I've taken control of my journey.)

"(Phobic Relative and my grandparents) want u to study live a successful life thats all

Be happy"

(Studying is my aspiration, but without the burden of dysphoria. I'm preparing for law entrance exams and envision a future where my transition doesn't hinder my pursuits.)

In response to their messages, I've chosen to convey my thoughts through this simple quote 

विकृतिः एवम्‌ प्रकृति (Vikriti Evan Prakriti) [Unnatural also Natural], 

embodying an unspoken message that transcends religious texts.

This situation underscores the complexities of navigating personal identity within the context of professional backgrounds. As I progress on my journey, I am committed to sharing my experiences and insights, striving to foster understanding and acceptance for those who may be facing similar challenges. Stay tuned for further reflections and updates.

Aadhar Update

 Some time ago, I embarked on the journey of updating my Aadhar card to reflect my latest gender. This process turned out to be surprisingly straightforward for me. Yet, I am fully aware that this isn't the case for everyone. It's heartening to witness that certain officials are sensitive to the diverse circumstances individuals may face during such processes, and they avoid unnecessary questioning or potentially humiliating inquiries.

At present, I'm pleased to share that my Aadhar card has been successfully updated, and I've also managed to update my Election ID card. The next items on my agenda are to revise my educational documents, followed by updating my passport and Driver's License.

I'm optimistic that the process will be as seamless as the Aadhar update itself. Nonetheless, I've taken precautions and secured backup documentation, ensuring a smoother update process in case of any unforeseen challenges.

Navigating these updates has provided me with insights into the administrative systems that impact our personal identities. I'm encouraged by the positive steps taken by certain officials and institutions, making strides toward inclusivity and understanding. As I continue on this journey, I'll be sharing more about my experiences and the lessons I've learned along the way. Stay tuned for future updates!

Two Updates in One Post

Today marked another crucial step in my journey towards self-discovery and self-acceptance. I had my scheduled psychologist appointment this week, and this time I brought my Grandmother along for support and to involve her in my ongoing process. As I entered the psychologist's office, I felt a mix of emotions - anxiety, relief, and a need to release pent-up emotions that had been building inside me.

I began by pouring out my thoughts and frustrations, expressing my recent experiences with Instagram. To my dismay, Instagram had unknowingly betrayed my trust by inadvertently revealing personal details to a family member, whose reaction was filled with hate and judgment. It was a deeply hurtful experience that left me feeling vulnerable and misunderstood. However, on the flip side, Instagram had also unintentionally exposed the same information to my close friends, who reacted with understanding and unwavering support. I confided in my psychologist about both instances, emphasizing the emotional toll they had taken on me.

After venting and sharing my experiences, it was time for my Grandmother to have her session with the psychologist. While I sat in the waiting area, a mix of curiosity and anticipation enveloped me. What would they discuss? This question lingered, and I eagerly awaited our next appointment, where we would reconvene with me, my grandparents & psychologist and shed light on the conversation that transpired.

In other news, a momentous occasion took place in my legal journey today. The application for my new gender identity change certificate was approved! Holding that document in my hands was both empowering. It signified a step towards authenticity and validation of my true self. With the certificate in my possession, I now have the means to navigate the legal system and update various legal documents to align with my true identity.

These two updates mark significant milestones in my personal growth, and I wanted to share them with you all. Thank you for being a part of my journey, and until next time, stay tuned for further updates as I continue to explore and embrace my true self.

Discovering a Supportive Online Space for Trans Individuals

Today, I am filled with excitement as I sit down to share with you a remarkable online community that has had a profound impact. In a world that can sometimes feel isolating and challenging for trans individuals, finding a safe space that is both supportive and informative is like discovering a hidden treasure. Allow me to introduce you to "TransgenderIndia," a vibrant and inclusive online hub that has become a sanctuary of understanding and empowerment.

Nestled within the virtual realm, the website "TransgenderIndia" (accessible at https://transgenderindia.com/talk/) serves as a haven for individuals navigating the intricacies of their transition journey. What truly sets this community apart is the active engagement and genuine empathy exhibited by its members. It is a place where questions find their answers, doubts are met with reassurance, and experiences are shared without judgment. From discussions about hormone therapy and surgical options to emotional support during social transitioning, the community members offer a wealth of knowledge and personal anecdotes that have been invaluable in my own path of self-discovery.

But the support doesn't end there. As I delved deeper into the resources available through "TransgenderIndia," I stumbled upon their YouTube channel (https://youtube.com/@TransgenderIndia), a treasure trove of educational and informative videos. These videos cover a wide range of topics, including gender identity, coming out, mental health, and allyship. Each video is crafted with care and professionalism, offering a wealth of insight and practical advice that has proved to be immensely beneficial in my journey. I eagerly devoured these videos, taking notes, and even creating a personalised playlist that I shared with others who might benefit from this wealth of knowledge.

Now, as I sit here contemplating why I feel compelled to make this post, I realise that it stems from a deep desire to contribute positively to the online sphere. This isn't just another random update or fleeting thought. It is a sincere effort to share my experience and highlight the significance of supportive communities like "TransgenderIndia." By doing so, I hope to bridge the gap between isolation and connection, between uncertainty and empowerment.

In a world where trans individuals often face discrimination, misunderstanding, and limited access to resources, it is imperative that we amplify the voices of supportive communities. By spreading awareness about "TransgenderIndia," we can provide a lifeline for those who may be searching for a safe space where they can find acceptance, understanding, and guidance. Through our collective efforts, we have the power to shape the online landscape into an inclusive and compassionate environment that celebrates the diversity of gender identities.

So, as I conclude this post, I invite you to join in embracing the spirit of unity and empathy. Let us celebrate the existence of remarkable communities like "TransgenderIndia" and encourage their growth and visibility. Together, we can create a world where every trans individual feels seen, heard, and embraced. Together, we can make a difference.

Playlist Update: Exploring Gender Transition Resources

I'm excited to share a curated playlist that I've put together, featuring a collection of useful videos. You can access the playlist through this link: [Playlist Link](https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLiTguk0TUsIDEXzGvwXicIQBc1Ebyywr6).

Please note that the playlist primarily focuses on male to female transition resources. I apologize for the limited content related to female to male transition at the moment. However, I encourage you to subscribe to the source channel, [TransgenderIndia](https://youtube.com/@TransgenderIndia), where I curated these videos from. They offer valuable information and resources covering a broader range of gender transition topics.

Feel free to explore the playlist and engage with the content that resonates with you. I hope you find these videos helpful on your own journey of self-discovery and transition.